This is a page containing links to some textfiles that I have collected over the past three or four years. They are (mostly) meant to be humourous, but there is a distinct possibility that some people will find some of the files listed here insulting or offensive (or both). If I think that a file is likely to offend or insult, I will put a note by it. These files will usually contain strong language, or will feature potentially offensive subjects.
I've divided this list up into a number of different categories. Jump directly to a category by selecting one of the links below.
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Some of these items will almost certainly be found offensive in places by most people...
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- The way of the world in Academia.
- Strange answering machine messages.
- More strange answering machine messages.
- And a few more.
- The way to create anti-gravity...
- Some errors found in an Apple C compiler.
- Application to live in Arkansas.
- How to tell when it is going to be a bad day...
- The best password in the word...
- BOFH - need I say more? People might find this offensive. Also, it is a large file.
- Instructions on what to do if a machine breaks down.
- Guide to writing "good" bulletins - also applies to e-mails.
- Pieces of advice for car buyers.
- Buzzword Phrase Generator.
- C--.
- What if people bought cars like they buy computers?.
- Laws of Cartoon Motion...
- Some quotes from assorted celebrities.
- A transcript of Monty Python's Cheese Shop sketch.
- Microsoft Aquires Christmas.
- Some announcements from Church Magazines.
- Some Church humour.
- Some common lies.
- Beginner's Guide to Commuting.
- Information about Company Cars.
- The dangers of computer obsession.
- "Little known" computer facts.
- Sample output from a compiler.
- Quotes overheard at a computing conference.
- How to spot a Computer Science student...
- Spotters Guide for Computer Users.
- Evidence of a consipracy by the power companies.
- Letters to the council - potentially offensive in places.
- Courses at the Open University.
- The Ever-popular Cow List.
- So you want a day off, eh?...
- One person's battle with snow...
- The Men's Guide to What a Woman Really Means.
- How to take care of your discs.
- How to be a Doctor, DIY style... could be found to be offensive.
- A woman's view of a DIY Man.
- The Great Dog Debate, Part 1.
- The Great Dog Debate, Part 2.
- What NOT to name your Dog - might be found to be offensive.
- More of what NOT to name your Dog - again, might be found to be offensive.
- Drinking - can't really think of anything else to say abut this...
- Drinker's Fault-finding Guide - might be offensive (but probably not).
- A brief history of Electricity.
- Elephant Hunting.
- Improving English Spelling.
- Some strange English word - possibly offensive.
- Ethical Behaviour for Patients.
- Life with an FDK - not quite sure what to make of this one...
- Guide to First Aid.
- The Boredom Forecast.
- Something for the French Lanuage students...
- Letters to the Gas Board - possibly offensive, in places.
- A notice in "German".
- HAL vs. IBM compatibility.
- Just read it!.
- Hazardous Materials Sheet - just read it! Possibly insulting to women...
- "All these computers ever think about is hex" - could be offensive.
- A brief summary of history.
- A "mathematical" proof about the number of legs a horse a got.
- A Gentlemans' Guide to Staying in Hospital.
- A mathematical guide to hunting a lion.
- Another mathematical guide to hunting a lion.
- A letter from a husband to a wife, and the reply - could be offensive to some.
- A guide to PC Hypochrondria.
- A celebration of the IBM 3090.
- An illness application form.
- Press release for a new Intel product.
- Just read it! - this will be found offensive by some.
- A different version of the previous one - might be found offensive.
- The Ultimate Guide to Programming Languages - for Computer Scientists.
- A Bill to regulate the hunting and harvesting of Lawyers.
- The 1991 Guide to Lecturer Spotting - possibly offensive.
- Windows for the Apple Mac.
- Some malapropisms.
- A report on a new chemical element, Managerium.
- A guide to man-machine interaction - contains one or two naughty words...
- A strange use for a Mars Bar...
- Mathematicians vs. Engineers.
- A series of memos.
- Microsoft Source Code.
- A selection of quotes - some are possibly offensive.
- A genuine memo that was sent out by IBM.
- The macho Nerd.
- A number of new computer viruses.
- The OJ Simpson Trial in the style of Dr Suess...
- A weird suicide.
- A Philosophy question is addressed.
- A Poem about Computing.
- A "fonetic" (sic) Poem.
- Another one that you just have to read - similar to two of the previous ones - people will find this offensive.
- How to shoot yourself in the foot, using a variety of programming languages.
- Lesser-known programming languages.
- A Psychologist's phone message.
- Dan Quayle Quotes.
- How to cook a Berkeley student.
- A fruit cake recipe.
- An excerpt from the longest sentence every...
- Something that you never knew about Smurfs - this will definitely be found to be offensive by some people, and you may never look at a Smurf in the same way again...
- A brief guide to the various types of Sysads, with examples.
- A brief guide to the various types of Sysop.
- How to talk to people - one or two slightly naughty bits.
- A new taxation proposal.
- Excerpts from The C Bible.
- The Twelve Days of Christmas, gone horribly wrong - offensive to some.
- Proof that Trombones are dangerous.
- The Creation of Women.
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